So there's good news, and there's bad news.

The good news is we've picked a first name for our little girl. This in fact makes her seem more real. I think she's been waiting quite a while for us to commit, poor thing. Back in the fall I was skimming through the new LDS Relief Society book and saw the name Emmeline (4th RS Pres) and it totally hit me. I mean, it hit me. I took note, but I wasn't really sold on it. I do like uncommon names because I don't want my kid to be the 3rd Sarah in their class at school or anything like that. Later my sister told me how we actually have an Emeline in our family history, which is cool, too. It really is a beautiful old name.

I've looked through hundreds and hundreds of names. Then I write the name Emmeline down and it hits me again. I think this girl wants her name to be Emmeline. Ian likes it, too, so we're pretty happy with it. We're down to two middle names so we'll let you know when that is decided on. So, we're now looking forward to welcoming our little Emmeline into the world!

They think she's already past 8lbs! Geesh! Women with my condition usually have small babies because of the placenta problems, instead my womb likes to have diabetes big babies. Something to be grateful for, I guess.

Not so good news...

I had my last ultrasound yesterday and it clearly indicated polyhydramnios again,

Refresher: this means there is too much amniotic fluid around the baby, 29 cm. I think the number is supposed to be in the teens. This usually indicates the baby isn't swallowing as much fluid as they ought to be.

There are three indicators for concern, and luckily I only have one of the three, the number, so they weren't even going to be concerned until I told them about what happened with Quintin; muscle strain-caused tongue tie, muscle spasm and delays. Now the whole thing is on their radar and they plan to check little Emmeline out head to toe when she makes her debut.

I KNOW that she will be fine and we'll get her the therapy she needs if she needs it, but I'm heartbroken that she's likely to have the same problems breastfeeding as Q did. I mean, I've come to terms that I have to give myself shots every day even after she's born. I've come to terms with the fact that I'll never birth one of my babies naturally. My last ditch yearning was to be able to feed her the way God intended. Yes, I did pump for Q until he was 9 months old, but the prospect of doing that full time with a baby and 2 year old does not seem likely. So, I'm delighted she'll be here soon and sad at the possible loss of our bonding opportunity. I hope to have Ian and his dad give us a blessing this weekend to see if a miracle can occur to heal her the last few weeks. I'd LOVE my fears to be proven wrong.

Testimony

Last week our bishop got up and spoke about bearing testimonies on fast Sunday. He shared that an investigator had left the last fast Sunday with no intention of returning because of the lack of true testimony bearing of Christ (being a returned missionary I know this was not the first time). Today was FANTASTIC! All but one person that got up gave a REAL testimony without travel-logs, sermons or family updates. Plus we went overtime by 10 minutes because people couldn't help but get up and share their own testimony! Usually there's lots of long awkward pauses. I felt like I was going to explode, I wanted to get up but there was never a break. I had to give the bishop a hug afterwards in gratitude for reminding everyone what the real purpose of this day was, and the consequence of not honoring it. I don't know about anybody else, but hearing someone else bear testimony of the gospel not only invites the Spirit, but it starts the wheels in my heart turning and clarifying where my testimony lies and what I know to be true.

Recently I have been learning that the beautiful basic principles of the Gospel of Jesus Christ that I have taught and learned for many years are applicable in my current life today. Somehow I never generalized them from initial faith in the plan of Salvation and 'enduring to the end' to actual concrete application to what I am going through right now, today, in the moment. I've been stuck and frustrated in certain aspects of my life lately and when we studied in a recent group ~ the words of the prophets spoke those basic principles and how they applied to my conundrum. I was baffled that I had missed the connection and it renewed my testimony of how beautiful the plan of our Heavenly Father is.

I've heard TOO many people complain and complain about how Sunday School and lesson manuals each week are boring and just the same old basics; they want meatier, heavier doctrine because they are 'above' the 'beginner' stuff. That's not boring! That's the Lord's plan because those basic principles can and need to be generalized into every life experience. If we come to church/class with a prayer in our heart for the Spirit to teach us how to apply that day's lesson to our life, HE WILL!

One example is a metaphor I taught as a missionary about Faith. Imagine you are standing in a beam of light. Everything outside your light circle is dark and you can't see it. Acting on faith is like stepping outside the circle even though you can't see what's there (if anything). And then when you get there your circle of light actually gets bigger and you find that you can see much more than you could before every time you take that step into the dark. I usually taught this to investigators or recent converts but whadayaknow? Right here, today, I need to have faith that that thing the Lord is telling me to do is doable. I need to take that step of faith and then I'll find out that even though that step scared me crazy, the Lord is holding my hand and will guide the way. I will grow stronger and smarter following his direction.

The longer I live the more I see that He asks us to do some really HARD things in order to progress. I don't know why some things are necessary, but instead of being resentful I'm going to be grateful for the things I'm learning and look for those opportunities when He wants me to share what I've learned to help another. I am so grateful for personal revelation. He truly does answer our prayers and righteous desires of our heart.

I recently heard a great metaphor. A woman found herself in a very difficult situation and prayed that the Lord would take it away. She happened to have a huge dirt pile obstructing the view outside one of her windows which she also wished away. The next day a little tractor came and started moving the dirt, scoopful by scoopful. Pshah! It was going to take it a really long time to move that whole pile. As the days went by she began to realize that this was the Lord's answer to her prayer. He would help with the situation, but little by little, day by day, step by step. Resolution was a goal in the future that would take time.

After the last year I think this is what he's doing in my life as well. I've been studying and pondering on different applications of the Atonement of Jesus Christ and every time I was ready for a new breakthrough he gave me the mini-lesson I needed right then to continue finding the hope and healing I was looking for. This happened again this past week so it's quite vivid in my heart. For some reason I, and almost everyone I know, grew up thinking that the Atonement was meant for repentance and forgiveness of sins. I don't know if I wasn't listening in Sunday School or if they never taught that it's actually applicable in every aspect of the process of progression. Everything that provides Hope and Healing is rooted in Christ's Atonement. I am so grateful for the Savior!

I know the gospel of Jesus Christ is true. I know that Christ lives and directs living prophets today. I know that Heavenly Father loves each one of us individually, deeply and intimately. I know that the scriptures are the Word of God. I know that the Book of Mormon is true. I know that Joseph Smith did see Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ and did restore the true church of Jesus Christ again upon the earth. I know that families CAN be together forever. I know that men are that they might have joy! And it is only possible in this mortal life through our Savior Jesus Christ. I bear my testimony in His name, Amen!